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Paul'S PlacE ❗ ⭕❗⭕ ❗⭕
◀️ (kLik the piC)
These aggregation of stories,
lampoons and irreverent points of view...
occasionally make sense.
I hope you can share my smile.

*NEW* 🆕 I put in a brand new sound system...
... and a turbo juicer.

SenD a frienD a selfiE.
(* ©April 2018-21 August Paul P. )
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My Private Mail Box 📌
Posted:Jul 12, 2018 9:41 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2021 7:05 pm
My Private Mail Box 📩...
Do you have something to share? Send me a private message.
🍸 ☕
(kLik the Ram)
0 Comments , 92 Pending
An OPEN InvitatioN... To The BloggerS FarewelL PartY... 😎❗
Posted:Aug 3, 2021 6:07 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2021 11:44 pm
With the imminent release of the 'NEW Blogger Community' — here on 'A F F' — and the subsequent PROMISE from a multitude of bloggers that THEY will be leaving this site, it's only fair that we throw them a 'going away party', right?

I was on 'Zoom' the other day with the 'Bobs' (*CIO and CEO of A F F*) when the controversial topic of the modifications to the blog pages came up. Bob spit-balled an idea.

"Paul, how's about we throw a bash for all those bloggers who'll be fucking off?" (*although, I think he meant to say — retiring.*)

The other Bob suggested the use of the 'A F F' facilities. They agreed this Friday would be a perfect time, what with the 'NEW' rollout occurring over the weekend. It'll be a BYOB event with a BBQ served over on the back lawn, and a vegan option offered as well.

And with so many empty offices available — due to the recent layoffs — a sleepover is feasible for those who've had a 'few'.

For everyone who can't make it to California, there'll be a live 'Zoom' feed, so ANYONE who logs in — will be able to join the fun. Further details will probably be posted on the A F F Main Page. I'd like to go, but they've gotta open up the fricken Canada - USA border.

There's only one question that remains to be answered; Bob wanted to know the number of parting gifts he should prepare.

"Paul, how many bloggers are going to fuck off and leave Blog Land and how many of THOSE — who say they will — are full of shit?"

I believe what he meant to say was, "Do you think any bloggers will ever leave these pages and find lives elsewhere as enriching and fulfilling as the erotic experience offered here?"

I'm guessing THAT'S what he implied.

I heard a clatter of bottles and watched as Bob stumbled across the room. The other Bob put his glass down, lay his head on the conference room table and fell asleep. I was left watching him snore while I listened to the sound of Bob — throwing up in the bathroom.


Bring your own sleeping bag, of course.

An OPEN InvitatioN To The BloggerS FarewelL PartY
Why Waste Your Time... HereS a Shortcut to Happy Endings... 😊 ❗
Posted:Jul 6, 2021 12:44 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2021 11:07 pm
*It's hot and it's summer. That 'bug bubble' has burst, and we're all enjoying that shift back to normal. Who's got the time to read a fricken blog — let alone WRITE one? Here's a sample of a shortcut that will save YOU some time and allow your impatient READERS to skip to that elusive 'happy ending'.
Your welcome.*

You know Lynn; she's crazy and wild and a fraction bi-polar. I knew her too well, the way you'd recognize someone by their concealed habits. Lynn enjoyed holding her cup of tea while extending a pinky, just a bit off to the side. It was always entertaining and a challenge to read her mood as I watched that little digit assume an angle. I wasn't shocked or even surprised when Lynn looked up — put her cup down — and asked me her question.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit? Vestibulum auctor porta commodo. Fusce aliquam eros tortor. Donec messed up metus quis cursus scelerisque. Suspendisse vel orci mattis diam elementum fringilla. Proin tempor malesuada diam messed up more eu semper.

Sed vitae purus et leo lobortis ornare semper sed lorem. Cras sed libero sed sem hendrerit fringilla convallis et lacus. Maecenas est messed up most lacus, faucibus ac ultricies porta, tempor eget dui.

The sirens were silenced. I couldn't believe Lynn had convinced those policemen to walk back to their patrol cars and drive away. And I couldn't help but smile as I teased Lynn — waving her panties and those handcuffs in the air. Was there another way to look at it? lol 😂


I guess we'll never know what really happened. But seriously — who cares? Go enjoy the weather.
Sweaty Sticky Ball Slapping Sex... And Other Summer Pastimes... 😎❗
Posted:Jun 29, 2021 11:13 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2021 2:24 pm
Sweaty, sticky, balls-slapping sex, cleaning a bathroom tub, and beach volleyball are three things that don't interest me in the least when the 'humidex' nudges over a hundred degrees. I came to THAT conclusion many years ago. Late last night, I was reminded again of how I'd arrived at my opinion.

I don't have air conditioning in my home; with the fresh breezes that flow and blow through the rooms of my abode, I never bothered. And, I have a fan strategically placed to provide me with all the witching hour wind I need for sleep. Those whirling propellers serve me well — except when they don't.

A power failure brought my spinning blades to a silent standstill.

Electricity — in my part of the world — is driven by cheap and reliable hydro that NEVER goes down; OK, occasionally. Now tell me; how can anyone survive THIS — smouldering, sweltering, smelter (*try saying that fast, five times*) — without power? I needed a plan to cool off.

So there I stood — naked, in front of my huge living room window (*it was dark, and no one could see me *) — and gulped in the faint wisps of lava air that fluttered in. My silly neighbour, the one who walks her Shih Tzu at midnight, paused next to that moonlit maple tree on my lawn. I would have noticed sooner, but my eyes were shut. I held them that way until her barked and... *uhh*... startled me. Facetiously, I waved — surprisingly, 'Shih Tzu lady' waved back. For fuck's sake!

I stepped away from my window and gave up.

'Plan B' found me driving around in my frozen car, where the AC worked fine, and the music was loud, and I could breathe. Life was great again. While I waited for the power to come back, I wondered, what did people do before electricity?

In winter, I can see myself — going 'old school' and — throwing a log in the fire to warm up, but in this inhuman inferno? I'm moving an air mattress to my deck 'next time' — if there is one. Perhaps it's just me, but I can't take the heat. I'd probably wither and perish if I lived in Florida or Arizona.

Oh yeah, and herding cattle; that's another thing I wouldn't do.

Am I alone on this one?


Sex on a beach — sure. And the drink is fine too.
What.S The Point Of Being A Man... If You Can.T Do This...🤔❗
Posted:Jun 22, 2021 10:07 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2021 5:49 am
Technology and fancy gadgets have tickled my impressions many times over the decades. But there are glitches in some of those 'new things' out there. The other night SHE popped out, in one of those 'new things' —and froze everything.

Her stylish burgundy car had gridlocked EVERYONE in that parking lot. I was 'jammed,' so I walked to the scene to survey the situation.

The lady with the lifeless car (*and the long legs and tight black skirt*) sat there, her door ajar. I watched as she bent her knees and — with the polish of a Hollywood star — slid out of her leather seat, then planted her stilettos into the white shimmer of those overhead street lights. She slammed her door, hung up her phone, and casually — looked around at ALL of us.

I should have added; I was one person, in a small HERD of men — ready to help. One of us asked her a useful question, "What seems to be the trouble?"

"It's an electric car. It just died. It's completely 'fricken' dead."

We nodded as if we knew what the fuck she was talking about. The mechanic in our group suggested to her that she open the hood and put on the emergency flashers; he'd take a look. It was useless. Nothing worked or even opened, and I mean absolutely NOTHING.

As I turned to walk back to my car, another gallant man moved closer. He blemished the personal space of that ruby-lipped lady and offered HIS professional advice. She waved her arms in the air and smiled.

I started my engine and headed for an escape through a little-known back alley. I also concluded — I'm not ready for an electric vehicle until they get all the bugs out. Flashing lights from a tow truck momentarily blinded me as I paused to let it by. And that herd of men? They lingered; to supervise, I presumed.


Do they still make them like they used to?
Does She HAVE to... Think Like You... 🤔❗
Posted:Jun 15, 2021 11:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2021 10:33 am
Random thoughts drift easily into my head while I'm driving. Mine linger long enough for me to fasten the missing question mark and fix the punctuation. Occasionally I'll take the time to mould an answer and see if it fits.

There's this frequently advertised sanitizer that promises it will wipe out 99.9% of all bacteria and germs, including Covid. I'd like to know the NAME of the — 'point one percent' — microbe, that cleanser CAN'T kill.

I have a friend who possesses a total lack of common sense and often has me wondering. I didn't know you could suffer brain damage if your father drank — while your mother was pregnant.

A married couple in my circle fight all the time. Their love has so many stitches, I can't believe the surrounding scar tissue can survive another deep breath — yet it always does. And they're still together.

An acquaintance of mine has a new woman in his life, and I won't condone how he's manipulated her. He's proud of having grafted her with his verdicts and theories. After all — he claims — she's his girlfriend and should think like him. Really?

Thirteen traffic lights; that's what I face when I travel along the boulevard — on my way to the highway. In the more than thirty years having lived here, I've NEVER caught all the green lights. I'm almost convinced I should set another goal in life.

Random thoughts savour their freedom when they swamp our minds. I prodded mine to slip back where they live — in the far reaches of my brain — nestled somewhere between the clutter of yesterday's baseball scores and the weather report.

Now... if I could only catch that next green light!

They're not lost in thought, they've lost the remote.
If You Are Naked in a Forest... Will Anyone Notice... 😮❗
Posted:Jun 6, 2021 4:47 pm
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2021 2:57 pm
In lieu of comments — which are broken — text me your thoughts.
450 - 555 - 1927

If a blog is posted onto a website, where comments are FORBIDDEN, can we still call it a blog, or is it simply a cluster of words and pictures posted to a blank page?

If it were a mature timber growth, would it hold up to that 'lumberjack rule'? I mean, I think I'd notice if a tree were felled in my favourite plot of parkland, even if I NEVER heard it fall — wouldn't you?

I recall in grade one; that substitute teacher messing with us. She silenced our reticence by pressing her forefinger to her lips, then glared; we all complied. Our 'regular' teacher let us rattle on and on — but not that NEW one.

I'd rather have the freedom to voice my opinion instead of having to swallow my lip. I prefer the *victual option that defines a blog.

The current state of affairs on THIS website will exist for a while. There is no monetary incentive to fracture (into minutia) and repair faulty code, so this is our NEW reality.

It flattens out the purpose of this space. Or is it a way for a blogger to vent without worrying where the wind blows? I'll relax and realize — absolutely NOTHING is expected from me.

What else is there to do?

*victual; pronounced; 'vittal' — meaning food and drink, especially as needed for sustenance.*
I accidentally stumbled upon this word and thought it was perfect.
If You Are Naked in a Forest Will Anyone Notice


Things a Woman in a White Chiffon Gown Shouldn.t Do... 😮❗
Posted:Jun 1, 2021 11:50 am
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2021 6:03 pm

Certain things in life just aren't done.

Eating a cherry popsicle in the blazing July sun while wearing a white chiffon gown would be one.

Smoking a cigarette in a car with a inside — unless you crack the window open would be another.

And passing out phony twenty dollar bills at the gas station could be a third.

They're all BAD ideas. Yesterday, I accidentally stumbled upon another one.

I was rummaging through my overcrowded closet, searching for 'eclectic' yet rarely worn items to pass onto the less privileged. I was also multi-tasking by cooking in the kitchen. That was a huge fucking mistake.

I never rev up my stove without supervising the proceedings yet — for some messed up reason — I'd quickly drifted into my bedroom for what I thought would be a minute. When I smelled smoke, I ran to my kitchen. What the FUCK? (*or replace with your favorite expression of shock.*)

The flames from the grease in the frying pan had reached the draft hood over my stove. I didn't panic until I couldn't find the lid to that fucking frying pan. It's then that I started to weigh other options. (*By the way, there aren't too many when you're dealing with a grease fire.*) Pouring that blaze down the sink seemed like my only alternative. (*I know, but I wasn't thinking clearly.*)

Before I could make it to the sink, the gloves with which I'd picked up the pan proved useless in preventing my hands from burning. Those towering flames had now singed my ceiling with black swirls. I placed the pan on the floor, reached into the cupboard for the first oversized lid I found and succeeded in starving that inferno. Unfortunately, there were consequences.

In all my years of cooking, I've NEVER had a fire. As proof of my stupidity, I now had a blackened ceiling and a charred floor, not to mention — my scorched ego. After all my experience and decades of prudence, I had finally learned my lesson the hard way.

Never clean your closet while frying.

I was selective and generous with what I gave away. Although let's face it, would a homeless person truly appreciate their first opportunity to wear a designer pair of 'Yves St. Laurent' pants? I don't think they'd be impressed, even if they noticed the label — but I'd hope so.

*Note to anyone paying attention; grease fires are a bitch!

Does the man make the suit or does the suit make the man?
How To Show Your Intentions... Without SCARING Them Off... 😮❗
Posted:May 25, 2021 10:46 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 4:00 pm
There are NO 'excellent' Samaritans, so the best I can do is 'good'. I'll help out a stranger when I can. The other night, paranoia and perceptions conspired to blow up any 'good' intentions I had.

Darkness had draped the landscape as we all drove down that wide boulevard with our blinding lights blazing. Except for the person in that car in front of me, they merrily rolled along — in their own dark shadow. I felt I should do something for the safety of all of us. At the next light, I had my opportunity.

I eased up to that blacked-out vehicle to find a middle-aged woman behind the wheel. I motioned her via sign language — two fingers pointing at my eyes then at the road ahead — and by turning my lights on and off. She looked at me, bewildered. I lowered my window to speak with her and suggested she do the same. Well, the reaction I got was completely unexpected.

Immediately, she turned her head, as if I didn't exist, raised all her windows and, as soon as the light had changed, ripped down that road into the distance. Do I look that terrifying? Did she ever suffer from a bad experience? Could she be SO oblivious?

A half dozen blocks up ahead, that speeding 'stealth' car had caught the attention of flashing, red, white and blue lights. As I slowly passed to rubber-neck, I watched her gesticulate with animated enthusiasm as she tried to explain why she was a twit.

And then it dawned on me. I tell my daughters, who are well into adulthood, to be wary of strangers; had that lady's parents once advised her likewise? I think a certain amount of mid-life skepticism is valid, but an equal helping of driver self-awareness is also essential.

When I got home, while brushing my teeth, I looked into the mirror. Damn, maybe I do look scary. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do about THAT? I spent the next couple of minutes practising my smile. 😊


I think I'll wear a shirt, next time I drive.
Women Say Men... Aren.t as Sexy... As Men Think They Are... 😮❗
Posted:May 18, 2021 10:45 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2021 9:50 pm
When I'm in my car, I don't have the time or patience to fiddle with playlists or search for themed music; I choose whatever random radio station is available and listen until I get fed up — then I flip to the next airwave. It's rare for me to get glued to one frequency for any period. Yet yesterday, I was stuck on 'The Beat 92.5' ; they'd sucked me in with their — 'Question of the Day.'

'What do men do — that THEY think is sexy — but has the OPPOSITE effect on women?'

Interesting query. Here are some of the answers that were texted.

- Send dick pics. (Of course.)
- Wear socks to bed. (What man thinks that's sexy?)
- Call middle-aged women 'hot'. (The term ladies prefer, is 'attractive' or 'beautiful'.)
- Wear pants that are too tight. (I can see that.)

And then the DJ opened up the phone lines. Who knew women had so much to say about men? The first caller must have enjoyed 'Happy Hour' somewhere in this city; it was evident as she spoke that she'd had a few.

"Just because you buy a woman one fucking drink doesn't mean you own her for the night."

The DJ had forgotten to press the seven-second delay, and — after another second of stunned silence — he cracked up. Meanwhile, the lady continued.

"Don't think women get impressed with one drink. Are we expected to sit next to you ALL fucking night because of that two-for-one one glass of whatever you just bought us?"

After I'd stopped laughing, I paused and thought about what the caller had said. I might have been guilty of THAT faux-pas — once or twice.

Traffic barely budged, but I didn't mind. The DJ was still chuckling and questioned whether or not he'd lost his job. I sat in my car and listened and got an education from all the women who called. Who knew? lol 😂


I guess these socks are sexy; sort of.
Secrets You Should Keep... If You.re Making a Fresh Start...😮❗
Posted:May 11, 2021 11:46 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 4:05 pm
Debra sat on the polished granite, leaned her elbows on her knees then propped her chin between her hands. That pile of red roses had shrivelled and browned, and clumps of black earth were dangerously close to staining the white laces that dangled from her runners. The wind whispered her secret in a hushed chorus as it rustled the leaves of the soaring maples that had assembled. Robert was gone — and she felt nothing.

Debra looked up to watch a large crow fly into the distance, perhaps to escape the rain which had begun to fall. It was a refreshing summer shower she welcomed. She never noticed the approaching footsteps until they were upon her.

"Enjoying the moment?" Detective John's voice boomed between the fat water droplets that pattered.

"Yes... I mean, no. I'm leaving for New Hampshire tomorrow to visit my sister. I was saying goodbye," Debra stammered.

John opened his umbrella and welcomed her. Debra obliged and huddled under the canopy he'd provided; yet... she felt uncomfortable as he spoke.

"It's an absolute coincidence that Robert plunged where he did. That trail you were jogging has few danger spots; he tumbled in the only prohibited area — it was marked and blocked by warning signs everywhere. You guys didn't see them as you ran?"

This question had become repetitive and irritated Debra.

"He was ahead of me, I've told you already."

"Yes, you have. I can't figure out how an experienced runner like Robert could have slipped from such an obvious path."

"I warned him not to go, but he wouldn't listen. He was stubborn."

John looked at Debra and nodded politely. "Walk you back to your car?"

They walked as the detective spoke again.

"I'll need your address in case anything else comes up."

"Sure, but you could have called me. Why are you here?" Debra asked, puzzled.

"The autopsy revealed something interesting. Robert died from his fall, but he was also high as a kite. Did you see him take anything that day, Rohypnol, Ecstasy perhaps?"

"I don't know if he took drugs. He never told me and I never noticed, and it's too late to ask him, isn't it?" She'd reached her car, drew the keys out of her pocket and impatiently waited for John's reply.

"That's true. We might never know, will we?"

Debra slipped into the seat, closed the door and listened to the calming pitter-patter of raindrops as they tapped on her roof. She watched as that detective walked away, knowing — hoping — she'd never see him again, then rested her forehead against the steering wheel, precisely as she'd done... two weeks ago.

A sharp of knuckles against glass startled her. It was Robert; she'd been thinking while parked in the driveway. He spoke to her in his usual belligerent tone.

"Hey! The rain has stopped. Are we going for a fucking run or not? Otherwise, I'm leaving without you."

"Uhm... Yes, of course. I'll get our water bottles from the fridge. Why don't we try that park by the lakeshore? It's got an impressive cliff to jog along," Debra replied, stepping out of her car.

The first time he beat her, Debra knew she'd have to find a fresh beginning, and that 'debut' was about to start. She was anxious to repay Robert for all his devoted fucked-up love.


Black as the devil, pure as an angel, sweet as love.
A Kiss... Is Just a Kiss... Or Is It... 😮❗❗
Posted:May 4, 2021 10:56 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2021 5:09 am
She looked at him, grinned, then labelled his sweater as 'funky'; was a compliment, she insisted. I admired the rich, black cashmere with that silver gnome, creatively stitched on his shoulder. " Funky, is a fluorescent t-shirt you buy in a souvenir shop next those glitter cellphone cases," he frowned at her. Their date was off an auspicious start.

I sat on my stool by the window, watching the cars go by, sipping my cappuccino; I tried not to stare at them. They, were an attractive young couple standing next to me nestled around that counter, with the cream and , and a half dozen other stainless steel vessels containing trimmings I never knew one could put into coffee.

"All your clothes are funky. That's what I like about you", she whispered.

His steaming mug was prepped, and he tried to walk past her — to claim a couple of those empty chairs. She moved to her right and reached for the ; he took a step to avoid her. She caught his glance, leaned forward and went for the milk; he veered left, but she quickly shuffled in his way. Her lips brushed by his cheek. She took a breath and nuzzled her nose against his ear, then turned and faced his eyes and inched her open mouth towards his.

He had no choice; was none offered, and no other would have been taken.

Their kiss was soft and gentle yet held the raging passion of two young lovers — still learning each other. I guess I was staring because when she un-fluttered her eyes, she glared at me as if say, "What the fuck do you want?"

I would have answered, "Some of what HE'S having." Instead, I turned my head and looked out through the hazy glass onto the street as a cluster of dusty cars drove by.


It's just a kiss, or is it?
You Know Her... She Wears Stiletto Heels... and Drives a Truck... 😎❗
Posted:Apr 29, 2021 11:37 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2021 1:46 am
is a pitiless old bitch who plods along in scuffed stiletto heels, cloaks cheap whiskey stains on her red-smeared lips and cackles with a chain-smoker's cough. The electronic billboard I'd just passed warned me of an 'incident' four miles up ahead. I crawled behind the noxious black fumes from a trio of eighteen-wheelers and glared at my dashboard clock. Why, had I promised Lynn I'd be there?

SHE, planted that seed decades ago in a Toronto hotel.

The party was jammed with hangers-on and groupies and a throng of friends we'd invited to join us after our gig. I was the last to arrive, and she was the first person I saw — she stood out. I was mesmerized before Lynn had even said hello.

It took me a while to sift through that crowd and get close enough for her blue-green eyes to greet me. We didn't make love that night; instead, she poured a foundation for an insidious addiction that permanently tattooed my brain. In one night, she'd twisted me between her fingers.

She'd call whenever she was in Montreal, and I'd drop everything to enjoy whatever time she had for me. We were always reckless in our lust for each other, fueling my obsession and leaving me with a horde of memories and wild adventures. Others complained of her vain cruelty, but she only jerked me around once; claimed her best friend had fallen down a flight of stairs — it was bullshit.

And then her career stepped in.

She moved to London, and we drifted apart. I was invited to her wedding but never went and I hadn't seen her in years. When she called this morning, my heart skipped a couple of beats. She was in the city for a conference, would I like to meet up for dinner and, oh yeah — she's divorced.

And here I was — fucked on the freeway. I dialled Lynn's number; it wasn't going to be — not THIS time. Besides, I thought to myself, why should I jump whenever she snaps her fingers. She picked up after a couple of rings; I was about to speak, but I paused.

I'd begun to gain speed; ten, then thirty and forty miles per hour.

"I'll meet you in the lobby of your hotel in twenty-five minutes," I blurted. "See you soon, Lynn."

Why did I say twenty-five minutes? I was sweating out the haze of exits in front of me, wondering how the heck was I going to make it downtown that quickly. Suddenly, those damn plodding trucks in front of me took an off-ramp, and I had — a wide-open road.

My phone rang, it was Lynn.

"Paul, listen, my sister just called. My brother fell down a flight of stairs; I'm taking the next flight to Toronto. We'll have dinner another time; I hope you understand."

I eased up on the gas, looked at my watch and smiled; I would have made it. What a bitch! I meant 'time'... I think.


In my city, many women truckers wear this uniform.

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